If you find yourself wondering whether you have gone back in time, you are not alone! The evidence is everywhere.
Do you ever wake up in the morning and wonder what century it is? Do the headlines, your lifestyle, the things you see on the street remind you of a simpler time when nobody went to the doctor — because there weren’t any?
Your Dystrumpian Almanac is here to help!
Signs that it’s the thirteenth century.
- Measles — Yes, our old friend that once turned the human body into a frail husk, while ornamenting it with that charming red floral pattern — as a bonus, this could easily be shared via the amusing cough.
2. Typhoid — If you have been forlornly pining for this long lost ailment, grieve no more. Typhoid is back, and you may be next! It turns out, with the burgeoning of homeless encampments, flea to human contact is on the rise, and fleas like to spread typhus. Typhus in LA – at Last! As we all know, LA is a trend setter. We have every reason to hope the City of Angels will share the wealth, and Typhoid will soon make a comeback in other lucky cities!
3 Peasants — In the Hollywood medieval village of our entertainments, a pleasing background element is the band of lowly peasants in picturesque ragged clothing. But along came modern times, with welfare, social security and medicare — efforts by the socialists to reduce the numbers of these huddled masses for us to gaze upon, thus increasing our enjoyment of our own relative good fortune. Who doesn’t experience a burgeoning satisfaction of their own warm, weatherproof vehicle while sending a flume of melted snow across the lowly dwellers in a homeless encampment? Fortunately, we no longer have to watch Robin hood remakes to get our fix of peasant nostalgic noblesse n’oblige pas! Just look out the window! The suffering masses are near at hand. If they are not in view, you might have to get in your vehicle and drive a mile or two, but you are sure to come upon some folks living in the creek bed, or under a freeway overpass to satisfy your longing for these charms. Why, in the cities, one has only to look out the window of which ever dining establishment is heaping delights upon your table, and lo — the parade of miscreants, recently evicted from their flophouses will saunter by!
4. Witch Hunts. — Ever since the unfortunate uprisings of women, from the suffragists to the bra burners, women have continued to dig their way out of the traditional place where they belong. Lately, their strivings have given them a shocking level of brazenness. We seen these uppity miscreants sauntering around with their breasts — evidently enjoying themselves! Each time you see one of these saucy, entitled harlots out on the street, that is one less man who is getting a square dinner, let alone his other needs. Fortunately, men have been hunting these miscreants down, exposing their dark arts, and — when necessary — returning them to their rightful places by any means necessary. The system is righting itself. As long as long as uppity women try to escape their hearth and home, we need these brave men, and sometimes women to hunt them down.
5. Hovels. — The presence of charming huts is on the increase. Who doesn’t find the sight of a homeless encampment endearing? People coming together, sharing stories around a fire made of old rags — why it calls up other times when hobos roamed the land, maids were affordable, and you could specify the race of your servant in the newspaper ad.
6. Apothecaries — During the forward looking late 19th century, many signs pointed to progress. People live indoors, and medicine came from pharmacies. Really good medicine was prescribed by doctors. We had vaccinations for our children in order to protect them and the herd from many diseases. Now, red eyed herbalists dispense all manner of concoctions one used to find in the laboratory of a monk with an unflattering tonsure — a familiar trope during the Middle Ages. Instead of doctors, we also had apothecaries, who handed out foul smelling decoctions, and experimented on dead bodies in their spare time.
7. Drunkenness — Everyone is imbibing spirits in an effort to cope with the situation. If your morning night stand was crowded with empty bottles, and your head pounds, look no further. The middle ages are back! With a Bulleit!
8. Medieval traditions — This thriving Tattoo Parlor with Medieval Roots
Find more wisdom on current events at The Dystrumpian Almanac
