When I was in my early twenties, I felt overwhelmed, thoughts racing, fear driven, skittish. I could not settle my body or my thoughts. I was suffering from trauma, deprivation, and filled with unhelpful teachings from the church, my equally lost peers, and my family. I had no tools, no skills, no hope of finding safety in my body. I could not help myself. My main tools included drama, self pity, novels, chocolate chip cookies, ballet class, music, hot baths, and being angry. I could hardly bear to be alone with myself.
The first time I tried to meditate, I found it pointless and stupid. I was uncomfortable and bored. It was a simple practice: set a timer for ten minutes, close the eyes, and sit there until it rang. I gave it ten wretched minutes. What a relief when it was over! I got absolutely nothing out of it. However, later on, I felt a shift. It was not much. Just a faint sensation of peace. And it lingered.
I tried again the next day. And the next. I have since had a daily meditation practice. The meditations keep changing. I’ve watched the breath, walked mazes, used mantras, hiking meditations, explored Zazen, Prattyahara, Zogchen, The Chakras, Kundalini, The Golden Flower, LBRP, Middle Pillar, and many more.
Meditation has been my teacher, my parent, my companion, my entry into so many resources and tools. It has served as the primary tool that made it possible for me to grow up.
Meditation has given me access to my deeper self, what is often called the unconscious. I see it as the reverse. I understand my self as I sit here in San Francisco to be my unconscious. That deeper self with whom, through meditation, I have developed a relationship, is the more conscious of the two. I have never found it sleeping, drunk, in a fugue state, overeating, raging, judging, or deluded. Every encounter I’ve had with this vast being has found them awake, attentive, and willing to spend time with me.
A basic meditation
Sit or lie in a comfortable place.
Allow the eyes to close just enough
that you can still read this as needed.
Become aware of the breath for a few moments.
Is it rushed? Is there tightness in the chest?
Just notice. No need to fix anything.
How deeply into the body does this breath enter
before the turn in direction for the exhale?
How long is the out breath before the turn
in direction for the inhale?
Watch these for a few full breath cycles.
Do you notice any changes as your
attention finds these answers?
Say the following, aloud or in silence.
I ask that these breaths become easy.
I ask that these breaths bring nourishment
and ease on the way in,
and carry away resistance
on the way out.
May it be so.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Count backwards for three exhales.
Return to your Tarweed space.
